Waiting on the Lord

Two weeks into summer vacation and God has already wrecked my heart. 

In a good way, I mean.

I'd planned to take this summer to relax, spend time in prayer, and focus on what God has for my future. I entered this season of rest knowing God would do crazy things in my heart, but I didn't expect to be knocked off my feet this quick.

My sweet friend Emily let me borrow a book that I 'just had to read,' called Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot. Maybe you've heard of it. The subtitle reads, "Learning to bring your love life under Christ's control." Hmm. Okay, I guess a little wisdom in that subject might be helpful for my future.

But man, God has used this book in so many crazy ways I was not expecting. I've already filled nearly half my notebook with quotes from the book and reflections on what I've read, and I'm not even halfway through the book. Elliot tells her love story with a man named Jim, whom she met in college. She opens up the pages of her old journals and allows readers to see her most vulnerable thoughts, desires, and prayers that she experienced in the time she was falling in love with Jim.

The love story itself hasn't so much as inspired me in the way that any good love story would. It's been more about looking into my future and seeing where my heart is at. Elliot's words painfully resonate with my own thoughts, musings, worries, and prayers. 

As with any story of love where God is involved, the subject of patience is always in the picture. Oh boy. That awful, awful thing called waiting. I'll be completely honest and tell you that patience is my worst enemy. 

Patience and I have never really gotten along. Patience has forced me to stand back from that delicious cookie dough until the cookie is actually cooked. Patience has made me get stuck at red lights because the car in front of me decided to slam on their brakes when the light turned yellow. Patience has made me outwardly bitter towards the person in line at Walmart in front of me, because really, who needs seven boxes of the same kind of cereal and four giant packs of toilet paper rolls?

Patience has made me wait since the day I was born. Whether it be waiting for the next bottle of milk or waiting for the next spot in line to meet my favorite singer.

In fact, patience is referred to as "long-suffering" in older versions of the Bible in the passage about the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).

Interesting choice of words. I'd say much of my waiting has been long-suffering. At least it's always felt like it at the time. But Elliot demonstrated her patience in much of her writing while she was experiencing the "long-suffering" we all have come to know.

She speaks of "little deaths" we must first consider in order to surrender to the point where we can wait patiently and faithfully on what God has planned for us. So many of the small things Elliot saw as stumbling blocks on her path to living completely for God were what many of us would see as nothing. But for her, they needed to be put to death in order for Elliot to be completely patient and trusting. 

Until we learn to surrender 100% of our lives, including the little things we hold onto because our earthly selves love them, we cannot wait patiently without hesitation or constant doubts. 

For me, the "little deaths" I've committed have been things like thoughts that I'll never find a writing job I'll love, fears that I might live alone because I'll never find somebody who will pursue me in the way God pursued me, fears that I won't be able to provide for myself. 

Whatever it is in your life you're worried about, whatever you think God won't carry through on, put that to death. Begin fresh. And let God take control of your heart and life.

Elliot said something about patiently waiting for the Lord that I can't get out of my head:

"I do know that waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts."

You've got to be willing to put it all on the line in order to wait on God. To finish up my thoughts, let me quote a passage Elliot quoted in her book. The passage comes from a book called Quiet Talks on Prayer, by S.D. Gordon.

"Steadfastness, that is holding on;

patience, that is holding back;

expectancy, that is holding the face up;

obedience, that is holding oneself in readiness to go or do.

Listening, that is holding quiet and still so as to hear.

How long, Lord, must I wait?

Never mind, child. Trust me."